A Warning

 A Warning

Never in my life i felt so scared, never in my life before i've seen Allah intervene in a way only i understand, a warning with the threat of death, uncertainty, one thing that either derail my entire life to ashes or make my life as i envision or better, Allah reminds me of how powerless i am against it, no matter hiw much i study Allah reminds me that if i didn't change, if i stay like this all the time then one by one everything will be taken, Allah never hope to destroy me but it is a clear warning and the sign of Allah still caring about me.

I just had a conversation with my mother in the middle of me working on my Position paper later for Model United Nations, she challenged me on all of my beliefs and reminds me that i'm nothing without god. I'm gonna be honest with you, even if she thinks that this is how she opens up to me, and also closure since i'm so distant with my parents, it is a warning, she's pregnant and she said that the probability on which labor will occur is December, she started talking about death on which my mother expressed that she rather be taken away than having to sacrifice the baby.

You don't know how much it hurts, you don't know how deep the void goes, my heart sank deeper than ever before and i feel like god reached out to my ears and told me, "MAKE YOUR CHOICES, HAVEN'T YOU NOTICE HOW MUCH TIME I WOKE YOU UP AT 3? HOW MUCH TIME I WANT YOU TO TALK TO ME, HOW MUCH TIME YOU MISS THE ESSENTIAL PRAYER PROPHET MUHAMMAD HAS FOUGHT FOR YOU TO HAVE YOUR OWN TIME? YOU UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF AL-QUR'AN, HOW MUCH OF A HYPOCRITE ARE YOU TO NOT NOTICE AND TO NOT IMPLEMENT MY COMMANDMENT, YOUR MOTHER ARE SENT BY ME TO TALK TO YOU AND TO GIVE YOU WHAT REAL WORLD TASTE LIKE, I'LL GIVE YOU HISTORY OF YOUR FAMILY, I'LL GIVE YOU EVERY SINGLE MISERY YOUR FAMILY HAVE EVER PASSED, EVERY TIME YOUR MOTHER PRAY AND TALK TO ME I HAVE GIVEN HER WHAT I WANT, THE WAY YOUR FATHER ONCE SAID THAT HE WANTS 4 KIDS? I GAVE IT TO HIM EVEN IF THE FOURTH COMES LATE. YOU READ AR-RAHMAN, HAVE YOU NOT SEEN WHAT I'VE GIVE? IS THERE ANYTHING IN THE WORLD THAT I NEVER GAVE YOU? ONLY YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THIS AND ONLY YOU CAN INTERPRET WHAT IT TRULLY MEANS. I WARN YOU, THE INEVITABLE JUDGEMENT AND MISERY WILL COME NEXT, YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WILL BE JUDGED IN DECEMBER, IT'S UP TO YOU TO ACT, AND I NEVER BACK DOWN ON MY WORDS, I WILL ALWAYS FORGIVE YOU, I WILL NEVER MOVE AWAY FROM MY BELIEVER, AND I NEVER CHANGE A KIND IF THEY DIDN'T CHANGE THEMSELF."

... You know how much dread i feel now? You know how much i curse my heart for feeling so little to the point i couldn't even cry? You know how much fear and resentment i feel to the world and to myself? Of course you wouldn't know, i never open up, i never tell anyone the truth, and god have gave me an indirect warning, A WARNING otherwise. I'm egoistical, and so human i forgot that i am NOTHING beyond a flesh, skin and bones moved by neural wires, i'm nothing.

This is all that i got, either i'll live or i die, i don't know what will happen next, the audacity of myself to judge and try to control my whole future without the grace of my parents or Allah, i have trully became sinful once more. God please forgive me.